I just made the not-so-difficult choice to end my relationship, and I’m not even bothering to tell the guy. Why? Because I haven’t the emotional or mental capacity to deal with him anymore. I’ve been numb for the past couple days, then the feels hit and I figured I should post about it. I had this nice, frilly, ladylike post all set up and half way through it I decided to take a nap. As I arose from my slumber I opened my laptop, reread over what I had written, and I was highly annoyed. It was lackluster, completely devoid of how I’m really feeling. Y’all I’m mad as hell and there’s really no other way for me to say that. I took the time to try and build an entire life with someone (we were planning on getting married) and he crapped out on me, he doesn’t even try anymore. And I’m done with it.
There are all these cute, prissy articles about how to get over a breakup and, as nice and wholesome as they are, they’re a flaming pile of sh*t. Yes you should forgive them, because forgiveness is for you not the other person. No you should never try to get over it as quick as possible. Yes it hurts, no you won’t feel that way forever, and yes you will find love again. But, my God, they’re so cliche! They feel so robotic, and they all say the same things. I’m deep, deep, deep in my feelings right now and I think that’s a good thing. I’m not planning to act on the wide range of emotions I’ve been going through, but I believe I should be transparent about how I’m feeling and the steps I’m taking to get over this sh*t and back to my fabulous self. How do I feel? Well…
I feel hurt.
I pictured a life, our life, being this amazing and perfect union of two dope ass people tearing sh*t up and setting the world ablaze. We’d have successful careers, a nice house, four beautiful Black babies, and would be together forever. I knew I wanted that with him when I first met him, and if I’m honest a small part of me still wants that. But not enough to keep living this bullsh*t day in and day out. Making plans and then cancelling on me, repeatedly. Having expectations of me that were unreachable. A sickeningly large emotional detachment. That is what I was living with. It hurts, and I hate every minute of it.
I feel devalued.
Like I’m nothing, which is insane because I know I’m f*cking amazing. A damn unicorn. But when I’m with him I feel like trash, and very small. I feel like an ant in high heels is taller than me. Now that I don’t feel obligated to deal with him I feel free, like I’ve finally come up for air. He’s not a terrible person, but he made me feel like sh*t and that’s not okay. And he knew I felt this way but that didn’t change how he treated me. I had to accept the fact that he knew what he was doing and he didn’t care enough about me to stop doing it. That broke my heart into a million pieces.
I feel angry.
If I could punch him in the face repeatedly, I honestly would. I put my goals and dreams on hold for someone who won’t even fight for me. He may be a total dick head but that was my fault, I should’ve never stopped moving forward because of someone else. I’m mad at him for not being honest with me about how he feels, and for overstepping so many boundaries. I’m mad that he made all these wild claims about how great of a husband he’d be when he was a shitty boyfriend. How when the time came for him to step up and be the man he’d just walk away, like it didn’t even matter to him one way or the other.
I’m angry at the fact that I had no voice in our relationship, every disagreement with what he wanted was seen as a betrayal. My feelings weren’t taken into account, he couldn’t see outside of himself and I allowed him to do this. I’m angry at him, but way more angry at myself. I was expected to give up my friends, my job, my career, everything I’m passionate about for his ass.
“You want me to give up everything to be with you, what are you giving up?” “What do you mean? I’m going to be busting my ass working two jobs to support us!” So I’m sacrificing my life, everything and everyone I love, for a burden you decided to take on yourself? Nah. Y’all I can’t. I cannot, and I shouldn’t have to.
I feel exhausted.
Fight. Makeup. Repeat for all of eternity. That has been my life for the last few months. There’s drama at work, at home, and with him and I can’t take it anymore. I work forty hours a week running a $2 million dollar business, I have eleven employees to look after, sales goals, visual merchandising moves to plan and execute, marketing promotions to enforce and take care of, conference calls, dealing with crazies on a daily basis. Then I get home and I have creative differences with my family, which is even more stressful. Then I have to deal with a raging narcissist that’s so wrapped up in himself that he can’t be bothered to give a sh*t about what I’m going through. I feel like I’m drowning, I’m too tired to blog or work on my business plans and that kills me. It’s always me catering to him, me comforting him, me boosting him up, me tirelessly telling him I love him and what do I get? Exhaustion. I can’t even bring myself to tell him to get lost because it’s just going to tire me out even more. I don’t want to tell him all this sh*t because I have so many times and I’m sick to death of beating this dead horse.
So, if you’re reading this…I quit you.
Breaking up with someone is rough, even if you know it’s the right thing to do. I’m not listening to love songs, or taking the time out my day to bash him because neither of those things solve anything. It was a short relationship, but the feelings were pretty deep. So what am I doing to heal from all of this and move forward? For starters:
1. I’m getting back to me.
I love to write, it takes me to a place where I can unload my deepest thoughts free from judgement or the opinions of those who really don’t matter. When I started this post I felt like the ground was splitting apart beneath me and I had no safe place to run to. But then I started writing, it made me cry at first. I kept getting up from the table because I just couldn’t face what was happening. But I pushed through it, and I’m glad I did.
Books, music, cooking, makeup, making memories with my friends and family; these things make me happy. I invested so much time and energy into someone who didn’t deserve me that I forgot who I was and what I wanted out of life. No more, and never again. I’m going to write, and create, and give myself the life I know I deserve. I’m taking care of me, because I’m the most important person in my life. You should never feel bad or selfish for taking care of yourself, that’s literally the best thing you can do. I made the decision to do just that, and I’m a happier me.
2. I allowed myself to feel everything…freely.
I felt hurt, discarded, deceived, and broken but I didn’t run from any of those feelings. Letting myself feel those things was hard, because I know I’m a strong person. But feeling helpless for a short time kinda forced me to fall back on what I’m really made of. Perseverance, determination, an amazing drive, confidence, and an unusual amount of optimism. I felt the pain, I didn’t fight it, and I accepted it for what it was. I was pretty pissed off, I mean, who does he think he is? I’m f*cking awesome! I have a great head on my shoulders, I’m smart as hell, I’m a vibrant person, I’m talented, and resourceful. I’m a pretty dope ass woman, and it’s important that I never forget that. You are an amazing woman, nobody can do what you do. Nobody has your perspective, no one on this Earth can bring what you bring and how you bring it to the table. Nobody. Those are the thoughts that sobered me up and got my head back into the game. That’s the kind of inner coaching you have to do for yourself.
3. I’m starting a gratitude journal.
Everyday, starting today, I’m going to write down everything I’m grateful for. I just listed sixteen things off the top of my head, and I’d be able to jot down a lot more but I really want to finish this post before I got to work. In five minutes I feel more energetic, enthusiastic, and ready to conquer all of my problems and goals. I look at this list and see all the things God has blessed me with, which is the total opposite of how I’ve been looking at my life lately. I used to think about and focus on what I didn’t have or what I needed, tossing aside everything I already have. And it’s a lot, way more than what most people have and I’m grateful. I know you feel crappy, but write down what you’re grateful for. It could be as big as having a great job or a sizable 401k (which every millennial should have) or as small as finding a Snicker bar in your purse that you forgot about. Write it down and read it every time you feel like your life is sh*t because, chances are, it’s not as bad you think it is.
4. I’m learning how to forgive him.
I honestly don’t know where to start with this one. On the one hand I’m completely done with his ass, but on the other I kinda feel bad for him. The term narcissist is used too loosely but I really do believe he is one, and that breaks my heart. But that’s absolutely no excuse for the way he acted and how he treated me, I still have to forgive him though. I don’t want the next guy to pay for what he did because that isn’t fair to him (whoever he is) at all. I had to understand that the behavior he exhibited was a projection of how he viewed himself, it had nothing to do with me; I was just the landing strip for the bullsh*t he aired out. Never allow yourself to be anybody’s personal punching bag, learn how to stand up for yourself and say, “Enough is enough”. I hope he finds peace and I wish him the best, but sometimes you have to love people from afar.
5. I’m learning how to forgive myself.
I let this happen because I was blinded by my feelings for him. I let him talk down to me, I let him call my dreams stupid and unimportant, I let him shrink me down to nothing. I did it, and now I have to forgive myself. I dropped the ball and that’s okay, it happens. I’m not wasting my time beating myself up about it because it won’t change what happened, but it did teach me many valuable lessons. This one bad thing happened and it grew me as a person, I went forward and not backwards. That’s a blessing! Bumps in the road are going to happen, learn from them and grow from them; they’ll shape you into someone you never dreamed you could be. I accept adversity because I know I’m going to get through whatever it is with a whole new perspective on life, you should do the same.
Three days ago I couldn’t get out of bed, today I’m ecstatic about what tomorrow holds for me. I’m really glad I took the time to write all this out because I feel so much better, so much sharper. I haven’t talked to He Who Shall Not Be Named these last seventy-two hours, and I’m still pretty solid about never speaking to him again. But if I do, so be it. I hope this helped someone who may be going through this too. I know when I look back and reread this, I’ll be very proud of myself for making these decisions. Look at me being a responsible adult! Well, I must be getting ready for work my loves. Tah tah for now 🙂